One year ago our princess breathed her last breath …
I thought I should not remember this day, I thought it would not matter whether it’s a day, a month, a year! But in the last couple of weeks for some reasons memories have come back stronger, making the days hard to start, everything look pointless, meaningless …
A child has no guilt, just smiles and wishes to live, full of optimism. Why should they suffer? Life has a beginning and an end, this we know and should accept, but why so much sufferance ?!!!
Most of you have followed us throughout her illness, when in my mails I tried to show her best moments, to be positive. You may be surprised to read me this way.
She was amazing, a fighter, so small and so wise, smiling as soon as she would feel a bit better, filling her every second she could with playing, learning, and giving us/me incredible strength.
Now at times I wonder what point is there in living a life … I am lucky I have the smile of our second child, he does not ask himself questions …
I have been asking myself: what would have happened if Lukas and I had not gone to the doctor after only 3 days of small fever. Even the doctor was initially fooled. If we had just waited another couple of days ….
When, at the very beginning, I challenged doctors asking if it made sense to cure her, given the seriousness of the illness, I was told that legally I had no right of decisions. They assumed an 80% chance of survival, like most types of leukemia, and I had to agree …
We tried, and we tried hard, from the 11th January 2012 to the 23rd September 2014.
We know that children have higher chances of survival because they can stand higher doses of chemotherapy … I let you read this testimonial of a child cancer surviver (http://zoe4life.org/2015/09/09/mauranne/ ) to just have a hint of the later side effects.
There should not be higher doses, but better medicaments, taking into account the farmaco-kinetics of a child body. They should endure less pain during the treatment, and be closer to a normal life during the treatment and afterwards.
Medics should have the means to better know when to cure, and when to let go….
So, in memory of Leila, I ask for your help. Help in children cancer.
Make it known, make this a subject that is not taboo simply because it’s too hard or difficult, contribute however you feel like it: support research.
Or otherwise, play with the ill children or their siblings, help hospital to give bigger rooms, help the families by cooking for them (for us it was vital and a great sign of affection!) … There are infinite ways.
I personally have one goal, which is to see what could be improved for the final days of life, but I have not found the strength yet.
Foscolo claimed that we survive death through memory. Thank you for remembering Leila.
Adriana, Leila’s mom.